In my Sunday School class for adults, we have talked about the difference between transformational and transactional relationships. Transactional relationships are: you get something and I get something. A purchase at the store is the essence of transactional; you get the product or service you need and they get money. Transformational relationships go beyond the transaction and seek the well-being of both parties, even if their own needs do not always get met. Healthy marriages are the essence of transformational relationships.

I make it a priority to be transformational instead of transactional in my relationships and this is true even in the search for a full-time ministry or teaching position. I don’t want to ignore the transactional basis of the relationship (money from the employer for products and results from me), but if that is all that there is, it is unlikely that anyone will be joyful in the relationship over the long term.

One example of being transformational in the job search is last year when I applied for a position at Bethel University. Bethel is an amazing place and one of the ways you know they are amazing is they called me personally to let me know I did not get the position. Not many places do that nowadays and I really give Bethel a lot of credit for doing it.

Despite my disappointment, I told the HR person who contacted me that I was glad they found the person they wanted. It felt really unnatural, but I felt like it was really important to do. Yes, I thought I was a great candidate for the position, but I also realize they are looking for the right fit in their organization and with their group of people. If someone else was a better fit, and it is a healthy and productive relationship with them in the position, then I am thrilled they found that person. That also means my needs are not met and I must continue my job search, but I am ok with that because I want Bethel to succeed as much as I want to succeed myself.

Seeking transformational relationships does not mean that I ignore my disappointment or that I discount my own needs. It does mean that I share in Bethel’s joy and I trust that God has other opportunities for me to be the person He wants me to be. Michael Hyatt talks about the attitude of “abundance” and transformational relationships are born from a belief that “there is plenty more where that came from”. When we are focused on scarcity, on the lack thereof, it is too easy to strive to get our own needs met at the expense of others.

Again, this isn’t easy and I hope I am not giving a false impression that it is easy for me, but it is so important because transformational relationships are what we were made for and who we are called to be.