In my Sunday School class for adults, we have talked about the difference between transformational and transactional relationships. Transactional relationships are: you get something and I get something. A purchase at the store is the essence of transactional; you get the product or service you need and they get money. Transformational relationships go beyond the transaction and seek the well-being of both parties, even if their own needs do not always get met. Healthy marriages are the essence of transformational relationships.

I make it a priority to be transformational instead of transactional in my relationships and this is true even in the search for a full-time ministry or teaching position. I don’t want to ignore the transactional basis of the relationship (money from the employer for products and results from me), but if that is all that there is, it is unlikely that anyone will be joyful in the relationship over the long term.

One example of being transformational in the job search is last year when I applied for a position at Bethel University. Bethel is an amazing place and one of the ways you know they are amazing is they called me personally to let me know I did not get the position. Not many places do that nowadays and I really give Bethel a lot of credit for doing it.

Despite my disappointment, I told the HR person who contacted me that I was glad they found the person they wanted. It felt really unnatural, but I felt like it was really important to do. Yes, I thought I was a great candidate for the position, but I also realize they are looking for the right fit in their organization and with their group of people. If someone else was a better fit, and it is a healthy and productive relationship with them in the position, then I am thrilled they found that person. That also means my needs are not met and I must continue my job search, but I am ok with that because I want Bethel to succeed as much as I want to succeed myself.

Seeking transformational relationships does not mean that I ignore my disappointment or that I discount my own needs. It does mean that I share in Bethel’s joy and I trust that God has other opportunities for me to be the person He wants me to be. Michael Hyatt talks about the attitude of “abundance” and transformational relationships are born from a belief that “there is plenty more where that came from”. When we are focused on scarcity, on the lack thereof, it is too easy to strive to get our own needs met at the expense of others.

Again, this isn’t easy and I hope I am not giving a false impression that it is easy for me, but it is so important because transformational relationships are what we were made for and who we are called to be.

I am trying to get back into the habit of blogging again after a 18 month hiatus. The last year and a half were much busier than expected, mostly because I charged head-first into the requirements to be an ordained pastor in the Evangelical Covenant Church. It was a great experience, but much more work than I thought it would be.

One of the requirements for ordination is a graduate level class on the history of the Evangelical Covenant. Most people tend to think history is really boring, but I enjoy history. My enthusiasm for history is certainly not unlimited, but I enjoy listening to stories, marking the journeys of people or events, and making connections with other parts of history or psychology or spirituality.

The history class was quite good and I made plans to share some of the things I had learned with my church in the adult education class I teach on Sunday mornings. When I invited and encouraged people to come, a few of them were very blunt with me. They made it clear they didn’t want to sit through six weeks of church history and I love the fact they were honest with me. I absolutely can’t fix what I don’t know about, but I also can’t deny I was a bit disappointed by the lack of interest in exploring some really cool people and events in the history of the Covenant.

History has gotten a bad reputation, and at times, that reputation is well-deserved. One of the books required for the history class was almost 700 pages. It was so tightly packed with details and switched between different time periods so frequently, it was almost impossible to see the big picture of the story and that made it difficult to make any connections to the present day. To be fair, it was a book meant for scholars, but it took the uncomplicated job of describing the journey of a small, relatively obscure denomination and made it very complicated.

But let us not confuse history with history books.

History, at its core, is the telling and retelling of our story and our journey in life. We do this every single day when we tell someone about the events of the day. My wife and I are very intentional about sharing with each other how the day unfolded. We have taken to calling it “processing” because it allows us to not only talk about the events of the day, but we can also talk about the emotional and spiritual connections that come with the events.

By telling and retelling our stories, we remember the people and events that shaped our experience. The more we share, the more we remember and the more patterns we begin recognize…and the deeper those lessons we learned are deposited inside of us. We can’t help but reflect and learn new things when we are sharing our story and journey with another person.

Few things will form a stronger bond than life experiences that are shared together. Remember that epic celebration? What about that colossal fail? How about the times you lent a helping hand or maybe the times you needed a hand yourself? History can and should be lived and not just read.

Go share some history with someone, will ya?